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Thread: The Daily Groan (A thread to ease your pain) - The 3rd!

  1. #511

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kerguelen View Post
    My groan for the day: I'm falling in love with a place and now want to move there, but it's so far away from everywhere else I like, and none of my family wants to move there. But I'm so in love with it. Fuck!
    That has the opposite affect on me. I hate the place I am living now but there is a vacant lot in Toms river that I want to get because I been thinking about getting a tiny house for myself when I get a job. Kerguelen, What are you going to do.?

  2. #512
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kerguelen View Post
    My groan for the day: I'm falling in love with a place and now want to move there, but it's so far away from everywhere else I like, and none of my family wants to move there. But I'm so in love with it. Fuck!
    What kind of place are you talking about, Kerg?

  3. #513
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    Quote Originally Posted by Somnia View Post
    I haven't read everything in depth but the only thing I have issues with concerning preferred pronouns is: unless someone tells me upfront what they like to be referred to I won't know what pronouns to use. I'm not a mind reader, so in cases of meeting a stranger and I happen to use the the wrong pronoun unintentionally and they get butthurt and go off on me about it, that's not my problem. Just tell me what you want to be called and I will do so, but don't expect people to just automatically know what you want to be called then get upset over it when someone uses the wrong pronouns the first time.... Now if someone continues to use the wrong pronouns after being informed I can certainly understand feeling upset about it, but first time strangers need to be told in a nice way "Hey, please refer to me as "this pronoun" and not the one you just called me"... etc...

    (I guess I just did a rant, lol)
    In my experience, a lot of people do make their pronouns visible on online profiles. It's increasing in popularity for people to put their pronouns right up there along with their name/handle, age, or other self-descriptors that matter to them. I think this is really helpful for folks to do whether they're trans or cisgender - it's basically a nice polite heads-up.

    Most trans people I know (myself included) are prepared for people to act weird and awkward or downright mean if we correct them even very politely and gently about using the wrong pronouns. I spend a lot of time either not correcting people, or laughing it off and telling people, "it's fine," and playing down my discomfort with it in order to make the interaction less focused on the mistake. In my understanding it's... pretty rare... for people to go off really hard on a stranger on a first encounter, since a lot of us are operating from a place of extreme caution.

    That being said, if it helps you to understand why someone might be sensitive to the point of being an asshole about it: I tend to assume that people who are rude about correcting others on pronoun usage probably live/have daily interactions with people who don't understand or support or even acknowledge their transition. I'm really lucky. I don't get misgendered at home with my chosen family, and I don't have to keep things secret from my blood family either. I can deal with it when a stranger messes up, because it's not the straw breaking the camel's back even if it does bum me out a lot. Of course, there's no excuse for being a total jerk like the situation you're describing, but for me, that kind of behavior doesn't get as far under my skin if I can grasp what else that person might be dealing with.

  4. #514
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    Update: My family (whom I am visiting) see me as a son, refer to me as a son, call me by my dead name, Mom's reason being ostensibly she's ‘still getting used to it’, and I still ‘look and sound like a man’. So I've ironically had an easier time using feminine forms of verbs and adjectives, as well as making a point to refer to myself in specific female-gendered terms, 'cause spite is a powerful thing.
    At the same time my mate effortlessly puts me as a ‘she’, as do others (‘chosen family’ is a fitting term) who matter (even though they're occasionally still stuck on the nice but ultimately indecisive ‘they’), so dealing with blood family is kind of not as much of an issue as I could've expected or as it could've sounded like.

    I have been estranged from my family emotionally for most of my lifetime, so their views on the matter do not matter much. Seeing how they want me to painstakingly hide this particular aspect of me especially to avoid being seen as weird (which sometimes in their mouth—express or implied—is more a way of saying ‘what you are is weird and should be hidden away, otherwise you deserve the hate you get’) I feel even more like embracing who I am. Thanks for the ‘support’, family, but no thanks. At least y'all showing me what NOT to do which I guess works, too...
    A negative number was raised to a power that is not an integer.

  5. #515

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    Yourdeer - Yes I can see what you mean. I think in the scenario I'm describing, for the person being mislabeled it's probably more of a "last straw" kind of thing, so I can understand how some folks might explode out of frustration... Also, yes it is very helpful that social media platforms have more variety for people to label themselves. Whereas before it was only "male/female" now there are more options for people to choose how they identify/feel... It does come in handy and gives people a "head's up" as you said...

    I'm generally very calm and polite when meeting someone new. It's not often I met many Trans (or other) type folks in the public (probably for the reasons you stated)... But if I know what someone likes to be called I will be mindful to do so...

    *EDIT*

    I remember when I was a kid (think Kindergarten grade) I decided to cut my hair very short. Back then I was very androgynous in appearance, and having such short hair the kids would come up to me and ask me if I was a boy or a girl ... ;P

    It did bother me for a while, so I can understand how it feels to be mislabeled (I know it's not the "same" but thinking about the past experience does give me an idea of what it feels like...) .

    I never really understood the mentality of: short hair = male, and long hair = female ... I know of several guys with long hair who have been mistaken as being female because of having long hair and girls who sport short hair being mistaken for being male... Hair is Hair! Wear it how you like! xD
    Last edited by Somnia; July 18th, 2018 at 04:58 PM.

  6. #516
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    Quote Originally Posted by Somnia View Post
    I remember when I was a kid (think Kindergarten grade) I decided to cut my hair very short. Back then I was very androgynous in appearance, and having such short hair the kids would come up to me and ask me if I was a boy or a girl ... ;P

    It did bother me for a while, so I can understand how it feels to be mislabeled (I know it's not the "same" but thinking about the past experience does give me an idea of what it feels like...) .
    I think it's really cool that you made this connection. I wish more people would consider this type of related feeling.


    Quote Originally Posted by Somnia View Post
    I never really understood the mentality of: short hair = male, and long hair = female ... I know of several guys with long hair who have been mistaken as being female because of having long hair and girls who sport short hair being mistaken for being male... Hair is Hair! Wear it how you like! xD
    Same! I remember seeing a post somewhere about how silly this would seem to aliens if they encountered humans. Like, "Wait, your species consider the length to which you allow your strands of dead keratin to grow, as an indicator of the shape of your genitals?"
    Like a lot of aspects of human culture, kinda ridiculous if you take a moment to consider norms from an outside point of view, heh.

  7. #517

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    I have no idea what I will do. I mean, lots of appealing options, but if I pick one I feel like I constantly be thinking about how I missed out on the others.

  8. #518
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    Kerguelen,

    Going to have to trust your gut then, crossroads are always difficult! There are going to be hurdles and likely some regrets no matter which path (even doing nothing!), so try to accept that reality and find the path that most appeals to you and feels the "most right". I know, easier said than done but don;t ignore your inner reactions. Even make a verbal choice to yourself and see how you react inside, then try it with the other options and live with it for 5-10 minutes and see how it feels to you. I try to do this when my logic brain gets in paralysis

    Transitions are difficult but I always prefer that to feeling stuck (just ask Hige who is beyond sick of his situation!)

    Good luck! Rooting for you ....

  9. #519

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    Quote Originally Posted by Amarok View Post
    Kerguelen,

    Going to have to trust your gut then, crossroads are always difficult! There are going to be hurdles and likely some regrets no matter which path (even doing nothing!), so try to accept that reality and find the path that most appeals to you and feels the "most right". I know, easier said than done but don;t ignore your inner reactions. Even make a verbal choice to yourself and see how you react inside, then try it with the other options and live with it for 5-10 minutes and see how it feels to you. I try to do this when my logic brain gets in paralysis

    Transitions are difficult but I always prefer that to feeling stuck (just ask Hige who is beyond sick of his situation!)

    Good luck! Rooting for you ....
    Yup, Just ask me. My life has got to shit in a basket and there is nothing I can do about. When my mother died my brother became my beneficiary and now he gets my social security checks which he tells me that he is keeping in an account for me yet when I try and ask him for some money he doesn't give it to me only to my fucking raciest step-father. On top of that my step-father thought he was doing the right thing by giving my brother all my information like birth certificate and ssc card but my brother said he lost it, So now I have nothing but an old I.D and now we have to get me all new birth certificate and card. He should have given it to me in the first place seeing how it was my stuff not my fucking brothers. On top of that, I have to wait for my brother to move into his new house which is 4 months away before anything can happen with me. If this motherfucker even gets things going with me or is just saying he is.
    Last edited by hotdogwolf; July 22nd, 2018 at 07:57 PM.

  10. #520
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    Pessimism sucks sometimes. The pessimistic are usually right, but sometimes it would be nice to be able to lie to myself and say that we'll avert the worst of the mass extinction we're in right now. But we aren't unless our society collapses first, and I know it.

    Makes me misanthropic as fuck too. Lot of that hate's self-directed--I know there's a problem but I'm too weak-willed to do my part. That's actually useful, but the general misanthropy sucks anyway.
    "If you are worthy of his affection, a cat will be your friend but never your slave. He keeps his free will though he loves, and will not do for you what he thinks unreasonable; but if he once gives himself to you, it is with absolute confidence and fidelity of affection." -Theophile Gautier

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