Vintage's Thoughts- most important journals to date pt2

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September 28th 2020

After sketching the 'hear me roar' drawing I realize that zhus are hella tenacious...or stubborn. They seem to do their own thing at times and do not like being held back by others (aside from their matriarch/leader).

This varies kind of wildly with wolf packs that have more intricate dominant/submissive relationships. I feel in much of this regard, I am more zhuard than not. As I get older I am seeing this become a much more practical approach to dealing with people. My two kintypes might have different ways to handle things but...a melding of the two exists in some regard. I feel much more confident and feel more empowered going about the zhuard way, yet the wolf in me does like a way to even the ground as well.

I haven't had this type of realization in depth in a while concerning the melding of both my types and how it plays a daily role. It reminds me of the thread about dominance and submission and interactions. How intricately tied we can be to our kintypes even in the most subtle ways of our core personalities.
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October 10th 2020

Speaking of such: I have finally decided to settle and write out what exactly my spiritual path 'entails'- or rather write down my beliefs. The idea came from a thread on werelist. Unlike the other journals I keep, this one is more of a "guide" and will not be any day to day musings or entries. It will simply be a place for me to look upon my beliefs. As such, it would be too personal to really put here in full. Though I do have the header paragraph to share!

Therianthropy in this life has deepened my spiritual awareness in ways I am just beginning to comprehend. Having a greater understanding of where I came from and the energies of said area, the intrinsic psychological and energy values of a zhuard, and the grounded hardiness of the Mackenzie Valley wolf has allowed me to take more confident steps into my own spiritual path. Perhaps this is just a path I’ve always deeply felt through my lives- as some things I’ve felt strongly since the beginning. The zhuard who’s soul I feel merged with now, Allendria, is not where this belief comes from. Allen was not a spiritual individual. However, me and my possibly countless journeys as a zhuard (among others) has retained in me this baseline spiritual feeling, and will continue to.

Since it's more or less a reflection piece, and since I will be listing out how I personally handle my methods of my own forms of divination (like the tassology I do), I've given this 'guide' the rather cheeky name of 'A Zhuard's grimoire to Energy manipulation and Spirituality.' It sounds very....witchy even though I do not see myself as such or take that title. My divination is through sense of deep spiritual self and the environment around me. Though if I axed the manipulation part, the title would only be half right! After all, tassology, candles and dream lucidity are certainly a means of taking charge of certain energies!

I think I've found no better time to start.

November 22nd 2020

I've been adding small bits and pieces to my grimoire--this part of dreams and their connection with other 'realms' or supposedly according to my findings and of others. Dreaming of passed family members for example (spiritrealm--which imo is a transient does not stay there). I do not do it myself but astral travel can be linked as well.

And then of course back to it being a 'zhuards' grimoire..lucid dreaming as a way to pilot a future zhuard body. The only thing however, as mentioned in many previous entries in this online journal is that sometimes these lucid dreams get intercepted and "hijacked" by Allen's memories.

Regardless, I do wonder how many people experience such dreams or even precognition before they wake, and what the state of the brain is in those hours. That would require a very ambitious study though if I wanted samples--but perhaps for a future time. Right now I am more interested in getting my spiritual thoughts down with the exploration of psychological correlations---it is impossible to be the only one to experience such things in other words. Precognition has been studied for a long while now, mostly through statistical means. It's probably a little easier than delving into dreams as I do, however, precognition tends to happen in dreams as well- which has been known. The flip side being waking de ja vu.

I feel like my spirituality is deep rooted- and with life here I am rediscovering it. Parts of it I feel are shared among zhuards, hardwired in a way (not so much a belief in spirits and what not...but more of a strong sense of energy: Where it goes, how it reacts. After all, zhuards are integrated with a specific energy). But it runs deeper than that.

(written as of May 1st)
May 1st,2021

Of Dreams, Intuition and Self

Titling important entries feels right. I already do this in informational texts so it seems fitting. This was brought up in the Therianguide discord chat in a roundabout way of talking about weird experiences we’ve experienced...

I don’t talk about this experience much, but I had a ‘clairvoyant’ moment years ago of seeing my professor before going to college. Yet as I sat in her class day after day, I did not recognize her until the end of the semester when she made a specific gesture going over a chemistry question. That was the moment: I knew her from somewhere- I’ve seen her, but how if I’ve never been to this college before (which was eight hours away from my home)? There were no pictures of faculty of the website at the time either. I’ve had minor occurrences of this before, and we all know what deja’vu feels like; we notice it, laugh, and move on.

This seemed on a different level. I couldn’t focus for the rest of that class because I kept going over how I did not recognize this woman at the first day if that were the case. Also, the fact that I’ve never seen her before starting college yet there she was in that dream.

It’s funny haven’t connected the dots until recently: I talk about similar things concerning this very same feeling of surrealness when describing the zhuard individuals I meet in dreams or situations. I wonder if this this the similar feeling people get when they dream about loved ones before or after they pass too? Or the rare times one dreams about meeting someone right down to the correct physical detail they have yet to meet? Since the years have passed, I’ve realized dreams aren’t just nonsense of the subconscious. Not all of them anyway.

I’ve gotten used to spotting out nonsense type dreams from those with potential meaning, whether mundane in the subconscious, urgent to act or therian related. After figuring out signs, things became much easier. However, it becomes something where you have to be in the moment. Telling/teaching others doesn’t always do much because it’s something one has to experience and learn over the course of time (and in their own way). For that I will always say dreams are not the best way of finding things out immediately. Yet I will never discredit them as a secondary source given peculiar situations. They’re more valuable that some deem.

Speaking of Deja vu, I tend to circle back to important points regardless of rereading entries or not, as there’s one journal entry in November that does go over certain curiosities concerning dreams and clairvoyance.
As for me and my current thoughts…my ‘search’ for my kintypes has been over years ago. It’s all the little details I’m finding- or more like stumbling upon.

It’s not so much about my identity now. It’s my identity back then, and going forward. There is so much to home in on, yet I doubt even my subconscious will give that freely. Sometimes I don’t have a zhuard-memory/vision dream for weeks. Sometimes all it takes is a fleeting shift. The timetable has always been slow, but I have gained a lot of knowledge in some areas. Other areas remain ‘grey’, and perhaps I’ll get information over time. I am also okay in not ever getting specific details. That’s just the current pace of things.
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