irritatedandroid

Personal Growth and Self-Love from the Shadow

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So yesterday my birthday gift from my girlfriend arrived, The Evolution Tarot. I’ve been spending some time getting to know it and it’s hitting a special place for me. Each card was made by an individual artist with a prompt to make something personal, because Pokemon has become such a personal thing, and that hits closely for myself being a Pokemon with Pokemon for a patron deity, who’s existence is this way because of how personal the nature of the world of Pokemon is.

Hitting those intensely spiritually comforting notes for me.

God honestly man when I set aside the shame I used to have for my fictheriotype that was mostly put on me by others in the community, I love being a Pokemon. I love being this, even if it’s hard at times being one so intensely tied to death and grief. My timeline was grittier than canon, animalistic and raw, but the nature of my source is still so comforting to me. It's like even when I'm plunged into that deeply animal mindset, focused on survival at every moment, there's still a nature to where I come from and the impact it's had on the world that is so very nostalgic and comforting, warm even.

I used to go on about how I’d change myself, make myself something more palatable to the community or just not nonhuman at all. But I don’t think I would at this point.

For the first time in a fair while, I think I’m pretty comfortable being me. I’m okay with being me, all that that entails. I’m far from perfect, nobody is perfect, but I’m okay. I’m me, I’m an Alolan Marowak, and simply saying that is enough. That describes everything from the feral animality, to the spiritual nature, to the intense cultural and emotional bonds that have come from the source I came from.

It’s meaningful and comfortable, even when uncomfortable or unpalatable to other people. It's shadow work and it's eliminating one major reason I used as a weapon against myself to push myself to hate being me. I'm still working on loving myself, but working on loving being myself even when it's hard is huge. So being able to start with the Marowak inside me is a big step.

I love being this Marowak. I love him because he's me, and I know that I try.
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Comments

  1. Who-Is-Page's Avatar
    We're glad to hear that you're having a good one Jasper, both in terms of birthday-related shenanigans and self love-related shenanigans. Sometimes it can be hard to look into the metaphorical mirror and be happy with what you see, but we're happy that you're at a point in life where you can do that with your nonhumanity, friendo.

    Also, happy approximate-birthday!
  2. irritatedandroid's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by Who-Is-Page
    We're glad to hear that you're having a good one Jasper, both in terms of birthday-related shenanigans and self love-related shenanigans. Sometimes it can be hard to look into the metaphorical mirror and be happy with what you see, but we're happy that you're at a point in life where you can do that with your nonhumanity, friendo.

    Also, happy approximate-birthday!
    Heh, thank ya friend. Amusingly my birthday was back in October, my partner's been hanging onto the gift as we were planning to see each other before now, but pandemic and all that.

    I've struggled for years with looking in that mirror and even being neutral, and often still struggle with it. But, baby steps and all that. Learning to be able to hug the tired, survival-worn Marowak inside is a pretty big step.
  3. cheetah's Avatar
    I'm glad to hear that you're making progress in setting aside those harmful internalized attitudes.

    And, well, happy (very belated) birthday.
  4. irritatedandroid's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by cheetah
    I'm glad to hear that you're making progress in setting aside those harmful internalized attitudes.

    And, well, happy (very belated) birthday.
    Thank you, yo, really. Having internalized junk like that weighs one down so much. It's a relief to take it head-on and see it.

    Thanks, heh! I'm a bit over halfway to the next one it seems.