Primordial Scorpion

Not Actually a Therian/ Otherkin ~or~ Hubris Demolished

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Quote Originally Posted by Primordial Scorpion View Post
Content Warnings: 1. drug use, 2. all the phobias, 3. misinformation regarding HIV/AIDS, 4. emotional trauma, 5. mention of medical stuff

Note: Delta 8 THC products are legal in my state (Georgia).

The trouble started when I popped a strong edible and turned on the soundtrack to the "Rocky Horror Picture Show". I was singing along scrolling through facebook when a ton of bricks hit me. Old childhood emotions surface. I remembered how I felt though my childhood in the 80s knowing most of society didn't want me (as a queer person) even existing. I then remembered that, there was a time when I was petrified of AIDS because I assumed I'd just end up getting it. I was a child, and the mid 80s was NOT a good time for solid information about HIV/AIDS. I hadn't let myself feel the emotions.... like... ever. I didn't ever express how sad and scared I was and how agry I was at being rejected just for being different. I spent hours crying and still get a little teary eyed when I think about it.

Then the rough stough happened. I genuinely feel like I got a hard dressing down from several deities from several pantheons. It had nothing to do with being queer. I was repeatedly told that I am not a god (I likely was influenced by the people online who identify as "god shards"), and I would say my nose was rubbed into the fact that I'm going to die. Then I was told that I am not actually any mythical being (likely spurred on by my discussion of mythical chimeric entities). Literally, I was told that I'm not a therian, and I'm not otherkin.

I was pretty miserable and humbled and said, at one point, "I feel like I'm being beaten about the ears." Then I started asking questions like, "Why do I feel so hardcore that I'm a scorpion?" and "What about that diet I was put on? Was that not serious?" (long story there)... and so fourth.

So first, my sence of time of demolished, so forgive the mish-mash order. I remember too seeing the nature of the universe. Imagine many TV sets or many programs running on a massive server. Each TV is playing a slightly different program. These are each parallel timelines in a humungous multiverse. As our focus zooms out, we see more possibilities and lives. As our focus narrows, our perception narrows, but this is where we then come to focus on one timeline/ version of Earth (or another world?), and we then begin "living that life", get into the driver's seat and start making decisions. I found the narrowing of focus restrictive but the widening of focus overwhelming.

I was told the reason I'm afraid of slime is because, once we zoom out enough, we see the entire multiverse, and it returns to looking like the foundational ooze from which is all sprang. This sense of being overwhelmed at this internal knowing explains my fear of slime.

I was also told that the reason part of me feels like a scorpion is that the identity arose after all my horrible childhood nightmares. I've grown a thick skin and a bad attitude. I have a hard exterior and venom. I was then told my horror esthetic means more to me actually than my scorpion aspect. I felt stripped of that label as an intrinsic description and was told that there is nothing particularly permeant or intrinsic about the scorpion. Then I was told I could make any identity I damn well pleased. That's when I started creating an undead cybernetic creature with wings and a scorpion tail. It was a really neat fursona type thing. Then I realized metal, horror, monsters, and missing body parts are all part of my identity and are stronger and more meaningful to me than my therian or otherkin stuff.

I went with my reverie and further imagined this undead cyborg chimera, but now my persona was in an imaginary place I call "the metalverse" which was inspired primarily by things like the animated movie "Heavy Metal" and the book "Dying Earth" with many other influences from D&D to "Ghost in the shell" to Trek and Wars and a bunch of other nerdy things I grew up loving. Just keep in mind, the primary esthetic and soundtrack of the place is a heavy one. And yes, this imaginary world includes all other kinds of music as well. Just look at all the insane subgenres of heavy metal. When we have melodic blackened death metal, pirate metal, blackened folk metal... whatever... yeah, the other types of music are there to influence. I love music. In fact, there may be a couple thought forms out there that I made that depend on the existence of music.

Should I stay on this forum? I don't know. I don't see that I should leave right away. I said, "I really want to be from somewhere else." and that I really want to "be an alien". I asked about reincarnation and past lives. I was told past lives exist but that seeing them actually involved looking at painful experiences. That doesn't say we all reincarnate or even that I, or anyone else, has specific past lives. Perhaps those past lives are lives that existed in the past of the multiverse. I just don't know.

I also asked why it is so easy for me to communicate with gods. I was told that my third eye chakra was ripped open when I almost drowned as a toddler. It was appraoched with frankness. There was no destiny, no reward, no being chosen, no curse, no punishment. It was a fluke. An event happened and ripped a part of my system. That might well be why I can channel as well. I didn't think to ask, or I don't remember.

The spirit of the plant itself told me that it's job/ purpose was to help people do shadow work. I said "thank you" and said that it was doing its job in spades. I also considered that all this identity shattering stuff might be me presented with a situation and seeing how i will react, grow, and learn rather than all of it being literally true.

I like that my screen name still fits!

I asked some other questions as well like if the diet I was given was serious (yes, and it's worked well so far) and if there were gods really watching me to see what sort of ethical choices I make and what kind of person I am (also yes).

Some questions I didn't get an answer to. Others I didn't think to ask. I woke up today feeling good ("Like I'm in a pool"), clean, and soothed. I'm still a bit shaky, I notice something interesting though, I still feel "like an alien" I was making up some story about being a space alien that was kinda mixed with a human.... I don't know. But this is all after a night of being divested of an old identity and constructing a new one that, I know fully well, can and will change and end eventually. I feel like a huge storm swept over me, and now it's over, and now I'm in the stage where I am cleaning up, finding out what remains standing, what needs fixing, what needs replacing, and what can be allowed to be taken away wholesale.

I don't know where this leaves my relationship with any of the gods, and I don't have to. I'm trying new foods and replacing old ones with new ones and embracing my healthy diet. I can and am working on aspects of myself (self knowledge and self work). I don't think I need to take a "nex step" or choose a path yet. Maybe I'm not a therian or otherkin. Maybe I am actually a starseed. Or maybe not. Maybe I'm just a human, maybe a new young human. Like queerness, maybe my spiritual sense of things really is just a fluke of events. It will be interesting to explore this all more, but for now, I think I have some reflecting and resting to do.

So what am I now? I'm a metal head who loves horror. I am a pansexual nonbinary transman. I am queer as a three dollar bill, and an undead cybernetic chimera with wings and a scorpion tail.... at least as an illustration of my sense of personhood and pride.

Intrinsically, if there is an intrinsic identity, I don't know what I am. Maybe I'm just a human who got part of me ripped open one fateful day.
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