MountainGhost

Change is in the air

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Reposted from my DW because I just started it back up and...why not, I suppose. I'm so freaking energetic right now. Don't even know what to do with it all!

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The season is changing and I feel so alive. Summer doldrums are behind me and my world is filled with crisp smells and cool breezes and harvests of apples and tomatoes and pumpkins and sweet potatoes. I went on a twenty five mile bike ride this morning for the hell of it. Our indoor garden is all set up for winter. I'm starting a new life chapter in a new town and that sort of drastic change always feels amazing. I can't relate to people who are unsettled by life changes. I'd wilt.

My body has never been able to handle heat and humidity well, two things that are unfortunately always well in abundance in the summer months. I always approach the season of oppressive heat running full tilt, doing what I can to maintain Spring's energy. But the momentum only carries me so far and by the end, I always look back and realize that I've slowed, more even than I notice in the moment. I dragged myself through severe roommate stress this summer, job difficulties, vicious family drama over planning for my damned wedding, and the stress of dealing with the logistics for our move. The heat and stress burned me to the core, drove me to a state of deep spore-like dormancy. But for me, that which is tempered by summer fire emerges new and full of vibrant energy, as the seasons turn again.

The stress isn't gone - when is it ever. Life isn't generally just rainbows. But the scorching fire is gone, drastic life-change is afoot and I feel refreshed, stirred awake by cool breezes, alert and ready to welcome the change, stress and all. Our new town is farther from the city, small, insanely bikable and surrounded in wooded parks. Job related things are enjoying new success beyond our wildest imaginings. The stress of the family and the wedding will soon be behind us. And I'm able to make some tough but very important decisions about the nature of my relationship with my family, with a clear head.

I was, not a very contented animal this summer. I spent a lot of time draped restlessly over things, sprawled in high places with gangly legs dangling awkwardly, panting, bristling and showing my teeth, slinking about in the shade, crawling fully clothed into any muddy body of water I happened across....just generally wallowing and wary. Several times I had detailed visions of biting deep into throats. And that was just the animal shifts. I'm not even sure I can describe the different ephemeral, flickery, nightmarish things that I spent a lot of time functioning within. such strange, dangerous forms I start to take on when I'm feeling especially disconcerted and restless and frustrated. I have acting skills enough to cover much of this from the eyes of others, but it was always there.

I experienced a major increase in rattlesnake shifts in particular: defensive, just wanting to be left alone to rest out the summer heat in cool scales, but dangerous when pushed and full of warning. And ohhh, I was definitely pushed. The feeling of wanting to strike out, to sink fangs deep and then retreat, was very strong at times. There's no joy in it. Only defense and frustration and fear.

But now, now I'm geographically farther from a lot of the summer stress and it helps. And in Fall, my brain can't help but get caught up in the frenetic energy of life's winter preparations. My hunt drive is up, my collection drive is up. I've been all sorts of things lately: crows and rats and raccoons and cats and foxes and squirrels, most often. My rat girls too are lounging about less and bickering with each other less, so they're more interested in bouncing around and playing with me. They're feeling it, same as I am.

My hunt drive mostly finds outlet in a recent large rabbit harvest that I did from our meat rabbits. And my collecting drive well...it's at a ridiculous high right now. I've been arranging and fiddling and rearranging my collection of rocks and feathers and shells and bones. The rabbits are all stored in the freezer and a large number of potatoes and onions and other things are hung in the basement. Rabbit pelts are drying for winter use. I've been adding extra-obsessively to the food in the pantry. I've bulked up the size of my food-insect colonies. I've been picking at my food less and starting to eat more, and healthier. I nearly died of happiness when I found and collected three dead crows recently. I've been taking plastic bags along with me on my long, restless bike adventures because I keep finding roadkill to collect.

Ahhhh yes, this ever-shifting animal-whatsit is most definitely awake now. Summer is over. Bring on the change.

Updated September 23rd, 2015 at 11:37 AM by MountainGhost

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