Werewolf diaries

My thoughts

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I am mainly thinking about how depression runs my life nowadays, having no emotion except for when I react to someone else. My therian thought is to go out hunting for prey, thankfully my anti-psychotics control that side of me, what with me being a psychopath and all, heh. Sometimes I wonder on if I have lycanthropy, even though I don't have delusions of changing into a wolf or anything, I feel bad for those who do. I just wish I was freed from this depression and this bottled up rage, being mistreated a lot in your life can do that. People don't want to hear on me with my victimized behavior, they tell me to move on and a lot of the time, I feel like I can't seem to. I am just scared to actually open up to anyone, what with a lot of people thinking that they can ruin my life emotionally (which I solved that problem by turning off my emotions). I mean, they are welcome to try to mess with me, but since they were dumb enough to tell me their plans like any good "villain", I simply turned on the "Do not give a shit" switch. I mean seriously, who the fuck do people think they are to want to ruin someone else's life by claiming that they were planning to get close to me only to crush me? How stupid is that, really? I fucking hate some people who do that.

Nowadays I just don't care, the more someone tries to push my buttons, the more I push back with my "meh" attitude.

God, I have so much hatred in my head right now, so much darkness that I would love to expunge right now, but doing so would cause the death of another. So hence, I gotta keep it sealed and away.

Maybe I am not like a psychopath after all, but a sociopath? I never react to stuff calmly unless I have a certain plan in mind, then my no-bullshitter meter goes off, heh. I also don't apparently have an amiable personality but more of a wooden one. I never believe I have the necessary tools to hold onto somebody unless I have a great purpose in mind for them, and then I discard them later on.

Yes, these thoughts of manipulating other people against their will tends to stick with me and oh my God am I angry! Bah, not like anyone cares. Nobody ever truly cares anyway, they say they care but when you reach out to them to have them come visit? Nope, nada. I mean it was nice meeting my Pen Pal back in, I think, May? Or was it June? I think it was May and I am so fucking terrible at getting back with her! I don't know why I put it off, I guess it's because I am afraid that kind of thing of me meeting up with her has turned her off on contacting me again, it was nice of her to do that drawing of me and my mate though. I really love it when I get good artwork, I wonder if she wouldn't mind me using it as my avatar? Unfortunately, I don't have horns on my head but oh well, it's good. The lupogriff that she did was beautiful, my mate enjoyed on seeing it. I just wish I was a nicer person, I got so much frustration right now at my life. I mean, I am graduating this December but I want to finish my other degree and I would hate to tell someone: "Oh hey, I graduated again!" because then that might degrade the first time people sent out cards for me.

Talking on here, with my filter off seems nice. I don't care on if people use it against me or anything considering I would find them pathetically amusing to go here, much like when people look at my profile on Facebook and think they can use it against me, lol. Seriously, child's stuff right there.

I always wonder why people think they can threaten me. I was threatened on a forum, especially with a ban that someone can do with a flick of a switch on my account but they didn't do it for some odd reason. Maybe they recognized in my apparent lack of caring that I was hurting on the inside and that they were tempted later on to figure out on what was wrong? It was so weird, I really didn't care if I got banned. I even told this person as much but they kept prodding at me to try to figure out what the problem was. I admire the guy for doing that, I remember him vividly but I won't mention him here. I just wish I had better people skills. This kind of shit got me kicked out of a guild repeatedly on World of Warcraft because I was really upset that one of the people in it had put me on ignore because I thought it was a bad idea to give your patients cocaine during a therapy session, but then again, what do I know? I don't know how the human mind works and emotions still elude me, I once played with someone's emotions and made them break under my best friend who I manipulated to do the dirty deed. She was going after a guy I liked, now she's probably in the nuthouse.

Anyways, just some stuff that's on my mind, I doubt anyone really reads this anyway which makes me feel like I can open up on here. But it'd be nice if someone did, just to have a greater picture of me even though I come off as a total bitch. Anyways, hope you all have a good day. I'll probably write another entry in the future and I just posted this because I find it funny for those who try to attack me. They cannot, mainly because I like doing flame-bait when it comes to that, twisting peoples words around like with that one user. I had a lot of fun with them on here, I wonder what happened to them? I was kind of hoping they would continue with their strawmans and the like, but oh well.

Updated November 29th, 2015 at 09:53 PM by Alliana

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  1. Lupus Ferox's Avatar
    I'm sorry to hear you keep all rage bottled up on the inside. I wouldn't advise doing so, but since I'm more or less rocking the same boat here, I can't give you another option at the moment, other than trying to reach out for someone you can trust. In case of an emergency or perhaps when you need to talk.
    Opening up to someone takes quite a lot of courage, and it's good we have the possibility of a blog feature on Werelist.
    Ranting is good from time to time, even when nobody hears you doing it.
    I remember venting out on the streets when I walk around late at night, raising my voice and screaming at some pedestrians who happen to walk by. They don't need to fear me though, I wouldn't do harm to anyone. Sometimes, life is complicated, gets in the way...
    I can't possibly imagine then what it's like for you.

    I know this is an old rant, so I hope you're doing better at the moment.
    You don't come off as a bitch in my opinion. You're quite nice to both others and myself.

    I hope it was okay to leave my comment here. After all, we're contacts sort of, at least on here, and thought it was appropriate to say a few words.
    About the need to receive comments from people... I get that feeling all the time.
    You say something you think is important and then no one responds. It makes me mad sometimes because I may be missing out on information like this. There's no real discussion taking place/no chance of getting to know people better. As if people don't like talking to you.
    I'm someone who's bored quite easily and always needs something to focus on. Holidays are the worst, they remind me of the two years I spent in utter boredom, because of my OCD and general anxiety. I could do nothing more back then than sit in a couch and stare.

    But hey, this is your story, not mine. I hope you feel at least a bit better nowadays.
  2. Alliana's Avatar
    Ohhh, it's okay. I am actually feeling much better nowadays, I usually talk with my fiance over this but I can never seem to find the words to tell him why I feel the way I do. It's rather tough, having species dysphoria and having nothing that can be done about it. I actually feel jealous toward transgender people because all they have to do is take a hormone pill and later transition to their gender they feel like they are, I cannot change my species so I am pretty much frustrated. =/ I try to be nice and I am glad I don't come off as a bitch! I mean that in all sincerity and I truly appreciate your comment, I really do. : ) I was thinking that no one bothered to read this anymore, but I am glad that someone does at least, and has some valuable input.

    But yeah, that's exactly what it feels like! It just feels like I am shouting into an echo chamber with nobody around to hear me, very frustrating!

    I do appreciate your comment, I really do! I hope your holidays get better though and I am feeling better now that I have an audience.
  3. Lupus Ferox's Avatar
    I'm glad to hear you're positive about my reply.
    I've been asking myself the whole day if my choice to share a few words wasn't a bad one. It's nothing personal though, it just feels kind of awkward to do so now that a whole year has passed.
    I'm always late that is what I mean.

    Thanks, if you need an audience, or wish to say something in other words, then please don't hesitate and contact me.
    I know what it's like not to receive any feedback when you need it most.
    Private messaging usually works better at that.
    But Facebook, nah ... I just don't like.

    Have a good day today, Alliana.
  4. Alliana's Avatar
    Thanks, Lupus. : ) It's alright, I enjoy any sort of post on my blog (as long as it's not inflammatory) so I hope you don't feel awkward nowadays to do so. I'll be sure to contact you when I do need an audience though, but I always feel like I am barging in on their personal time on the board. =/ It's cool about Facebook, but yeah, I'll keep in touch! I hope you have a good day too.
  5. Lupus Ferox's Avatar
    You aren't barging in on anyone's time, I'm sure. Just say whatever comes to mind.
    I'm here if you need me.
    Have a nice day too!