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Thread: The Daily Thought - The 24th!

  1. #471
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    I used to turn to creativity as a way to deal with the chronic feeling of emptiness inside. It was also a way to fill out the emptiness that is normally filled out by someone else. Now that I'm with someone, I've been rather unproductive since I've lost the need to create. I don't have a void to fill out anymore, and consequently my output has been very meager. It's become a much more conscious effort than before, and now requires actual work and planning.

    The amount of effort it requires is monumental. When I had the emptiness either numbing me or taking my focus away from the pain of effort, the creative process was, while brutal and visceral, much faster than it is now. I'm happy where I am in life, but I feel that my days as an artist are ending. I already quit making music. Creation is a chapter in my life that's going to close soon.

    I was never an artist. I never created because I had something to say or because I had a drive. I didn't make things because there was some sort of muse behind it. I didn't transform or sublimate anything; I didn't interpret or express anything. I created solely because I needed things that weren't there. I needed things that didn't exist, and I had to create them myself because there was no one else to do it. Now I don't need them anymore.

    I don't know where I'm going to go from here. I never thought I'd find contentment. The aching emptiness is gone, and in its place left something I'm still trying to understand. But I'm...pretty good.

    PS. I was in a pretty bad car crash over the Easter (car tumbled over and ended up on the side in the ditch) but I'm unharmed.

    PPS. We had a tornado a week ago. A tornado. In Denmark. I shit you not. And not just a 'spout. No, this was a legit, honest-to-god, supercell twister, just like in America. A TORNADO.
    Last edited by R Swan; June 22nd, 2019 at 07:31 PM.
    A negative number was raised to a power that is not an integer.

  2. #472

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    Holy Shit, R. Swan. I'm glad you where hurt or killed. How bad is your car banged up.? I am guessing that Denmark doesn't have or get Tornado's, Do you.? Do you know how big it was.? Did you listen to the news as to how big the Tornado was.? Any homes hit from it.? Anyway, I am glad your doing better. I will see you around. Hugs.

  3. #473
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    Quote Originally Posted by R Swan View Post
    I used to turn to creativity as a way to deal with the chronic feeling of emptiness inside. It was also a way to fill out the emptiness that is normally filled out by someone else. Now that I'm with someone, I've been rather unproductive since I've lost the need to create. I don't have a void to fill out anymore, and consequently my output has been very meager. It's become a much more conscious effort than before, and now requires actual work and planning.
    Hey R, I can relate to this feeling. When I started doing better mentally/emotionally, creating art became a much more intentional, deliberate process as compared to an intuitive drive. It felt really alien to want to make things, but not have a need to express anything in particular.
    If it's worth anything: it becomes easier over time. I'd compare it to learning to speak a new language. At first you feel very clumsy and you'd much rather just use your native language than struggle to communicate in this new one, but eventually you gain enough fluency that you start thinking in that language, too.

  4. #474
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    Old car was destroyed so I bought another. Some folks in the town south of us lost their cars to the twister. It was an F1, so not insane, but what made it so special was that it came from a supercell. A couple days later, another supercell hit, and there was briefly a tornado watch sent out. This doesn't happen in this country. I blame my fiancée. She must've brought twisters with her when she came here. She's been trying to push me out of my art block, too... It really does feel alien to do art without having a need.
    A negative number was raised to a power that is not an integer.

  5. #475
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    I can kind of relate to that feeling of lost creativity in better times, as well. As odd as it is, there is a sort of general motivation dulling now that things are going more smoothly. As rough as life was a couple years back, the difficulties gave me a sort of desperation and drive that is more difficult to channel now.

    I sure don't miss it, but sometimes things like working as intensely as I do, or sinking myself into creative projects, or even exercising, are just harder now...because I'm not in a frantic state of needing to be occupied, needing to sink my teeth into anything to quell the frenzied state of mind.

  6. #476
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    Yeah, I've heard a lot of people describe what you're talking about. Can't really relate personally; as I recall I was happier when I was regularly creating art, but it seems to be a common thing.

    Never had really thought about tornadoes being a European thing, at all. In the USA you only really hear about them in the context of, well, the USA.
    "If you are worthy of his affection, a cat will be your friend but never your slave. He keeps his free will though he loves, and will not do for you what he thinks unreasonable; but if he once gives himself to you, it is with absolute confidence and fidelity of affection." -Theophile Gautier

  7. #477

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    I've grown estranged from humanity these past few years. Not the greatest person anyway but it's always fascinating to watch the convoluted logic people spit out to try to convince me that I started with ill-intentions.

    I went to see my godfather about a year ago. He lives on a farm, cattle. Him, the cows, and his mother. We had been worried because usually he calls a few of us during certain events and he hadn't talked to anyone... sorta drew straws and got to talking about who was going, and it wound up being me. ... So I'm talking to him, there on the farm, as he checks the fields and he's working on part of his tractor (axle problems, I think) and I asked him - so, why are you seemingly okay with just this? He has this degree where he was paid a lot of money to research when I was younger. And he tells me that he had woken up one day and realized that the reason he was miserable wasn't necessarily other people so much as it was just the rat race part of our culture, where you have to act a certain way and talk a certain way and dress a certain way or on and on or else you've done something wrong no matter what you've done. He got tired of helping people only to be screamed at for the exact choice of words or the most insignificant of things related to the work he was doing.

    I think about that a lot. I've been thinking about it this morning pretty hard because yesterday was kind of like that. I tried to help someone and wound up offending them because the way I express myself upset them. It took longer to get them to be clear on what was so offensive than it took to decide this is not a person good for my health to deal with. (Long story short, "fuck Twitter"; often I emote when chatting and I've been using *blinks* to indicate confusion longer than its been around. Had he just asked if I was calling him stupid we could have cleared that up and I could have learned and this would not be my morning. Now I think perhaps he is stupid instead.)

    There's that, too - it seems we're less and less tolerant of divergence as we understand it more and more. And that scares me, personally - I've always been a bit out there, but the further I go, the more out there I kinda get. I just do my own thing, I'm okay with me and it works out okay. My friends like me and know to just ask, I am not afraid to own when I mean to insult someone.

    I've written some on this topic and gotten people to talk about what they think is wrong with me, when they interact with me. It's always these nebulous things. "You're condescending" (how? examples from conversations? ... none forthcoming) ... "You think you're better than everyone else" (Demonstrably, no... examples of where you felt this? ... none forthcoming) ... "You turn everything into an argument!" (No? You attacked me, I pushed back. I should take claims I'm bad without my thoughts? No, no.) ... "Everyone thinks you're awful, so I can't be wrong!" (Plenty of people think I'm great, this does nothing to advance the point or give demonstrable examples.)

    Such people would not be so frustrating as an experience if they'd just give the examples and talk about why they felt that way. I am not kidding when I say yesterday was just horrible.

    And there's plenty of farms I could be doing work on. Society, at least as I understand it, is increasingly getting hostile and combative. I worry for the future.

    IIRC this isn't supposed to be an overly serious thread, but I was here, there were no updates in the queue, and it's something to breathe a little life in.
    There is a song I hear: A melody from the past.
    I've opened a discord server for therians, if that's your thing.

  8. #478
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    my daily thought:

    Haven't been here in a minute. I'm really nitpicky about visiting forums but every once in a while I'll get a burst to 'check the forums'- all of the ones I'm in. It's such an ebb and flow thing. Interesting none the less.
    Timber wolf therian-- changeling-- horse hearted
    ~Being kin is a journey of finding yourself, loosing yourself, searching and doing it all over again.~

  9. #479

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    Quote Originally Posted by Vintage View Post
    my daily thought:

    Haven't been here in a minute. I'm really nitpicky about visiting forums but every once in a while I'll get a burst to 'check the forums'- all of the ones I'm in. It's such an ebb and flow thing. Interesting none the less.
    I hope you don't plan on leaving werelist Vin.? General question, How is everyone's pets do when fireworks and other loud noise when go off.? Mine was starting to get scared of the fireworks when they started going off.
    Last edited by hotdogwolf; July 3rd, 2019 at 09:43 PM.

  10. #480
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    No, not completely.

    And our dogs got used to the fireworks after a few times, unless it was a big one that went off. Otherwise they're pretty good. They're not anxious or anything.
    Timber wolf therian-- changeling-- horse hearted
    ~Being kin is a journey of finding yourself, loosing yourself, searching and doing it all over again.~

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