so I want to know your thoughts.

[Lunar Wolf]

Okay so an ex from fairly recently had a trait that we both shared a bad trait, we both tend to cling to grudges. every slight, every time either of us were ever wronged and in my case especially if by my mate then i would never forget it and certainly never move beyond that event. this resulted in a very unhealthy cycle of holding unending grudges that only stack upon each-other resulting in endless rage often hurting and rejecting the other.

One good thing has come from this experience for me though, it has shown me what I'm doing wrong now. the issue is learning to let go of it and move beyond this growing list of endless grudges. in not so many words how best to change for the better.

[copb.phoenix]

It's pretty easy.

Everyone makes mistakes.

Embrace imperfection.

Truth comes out eventually - there's rarely any need to dig for it with someone you interact with every day.

Don't have sex with crazy people.

The end.

[Lunar Wolf]

I dated many psychos but I feel ya its also an issue with not for getting I mean I remember and am holding a grudge over a kid stealing a terminator toy from me when I was three years old.

i started to think on it and I got to thinking "whats wrong with me this is so far passed why am i still bothered by this crap?" then something else hit me my ex also had this trait one of my ex's recently speaking and seeing it in her helped me to recognize the problem i subconsciously refuse to forget or let go. so I'm gonna see if i can find a way to do that i plan to see about seeing a psychologist sometime in the near future anyway. so why not bring up this issue?

[Sula]

I also have a bad habit of holding on grudges, usually against myself for making stupid mistakes. Sometimes this branches out to holding others to a ridiculous standard as well. I suppose it’s an attempt to cope with the fear of failure in situations you don’t always have control over. The best advice I can offer is to learn to identify the obessive thoughts before they can get hold of you, and in a relationship diffuse the situation via communication before the arguments stack. I’m still working on the next step myself.

[Lunar Wolf]

yeah that is good advice though mine feels more defensive but it still has the same outcome so I'll have to work on that more thank you Sula

[Anuolf]

There's a difference between forgiving and forgetting. You don't have to forget the event happened, in my opinion, that would be just as unhealthy. But to learn to forgive, or at least recognize that it happened, that it is something that can be worked out, or something that needs to be addressed. In my experiences, grudges happen when the persons involved have not resolved the issue appropriately, leaving wounds that fester.

A lot of what I've seen, both within my own personal issues and others, is that when the event happens, people tend to let their emotions react rather than their rationality. What has helped me, identifying something someone does/says/etc that may anger me or have any other extreme emotional reaction, and recognizing that I need to take a moment, acknowledge these feelings, and allow myself to get into a better headspace if just for a few minutes. Recognizing your emotions is really one of the first steps in a process of many. Once you've done that, you can take a deep breath and get the other side of the story. I find explaining "Hey, I'm really upset about [insert words/actions here]. Can we please discuss this?" Much of it has to do with how you approach the person in question. Avoid using accusatory or reactionary language, things that will cause the other person to become defensive and wall up. Which, of course, just makes everything worse.

Calm communication is the next step. This only works if both parties are able to remain calm, and it takes a lot of practice to achieve. But if the other party isn't able to or refuses to take part in calm communication, then that's their problem to work on. Even if they can't do it, just keep the conversation as calm as possible on your end. This is one of the hardest parts since it is easier to let emotions to direct the discussion when you're not able to take a moment to compose yourself.

Ultimately, the goal is to work things out as soon as is possible, but some times that just isn't possible for various reasons. So learning to let yourself forgive [if it is something that can/should be forgiven], is important, but if they keep doing it, then that's when it needs to be addressed again or you need to remove yourself from that situation entirely [like there's a difference between if someone keeps forgetting to bring out the trash, to if they cheat on you].

I would recommend, if it is something you can do, looking into professional help to really give you a place to discuss this problem and see if they're able to assist with more or better actions to take as well as healthy coping mechanisms in the moment.

[Lunar Wolf]

you make a lot of good points there and I definitely have an issue with communication it tends to be more body language and if a fight happens each hit is part of my communication not exactly good for human interaction obviously. so i have to admit getting better at communicating would be a vast improvement in general, as for the seeing a professional that is something i already plan on and the one i want to see is one i can see for a series of things including transitioning so that will be a very big step for me in many ways. I'll leave a ling to an article about the doctor Kyle Ahlf here in case anyone is interested i saw him for an evaluation for my disability recently so it was something good to come from that.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/t...bend-or/363685